Today's Surrender is Tomorrow's Freedom

Today's surrender is tomorrow's freedom.*

This is what I am trying to learn right now.  Because, I don't know if you know this, but my first response is usually not surrender.  I am more of a dig-my-heels-in, insist-on-my-own-way kinda girl.  And if I do get dragged into something, I usually have a lot of dirt under my fingernails from clawing at any last bit of control I think I can grab on the way down.  Paul and I have this in common: we both kick at the goads.  (Maybe the only thing we have in common?)

(Read Paul's conversion story, where he talks about the goads, in Acts 26)

I instinctively knew that I was this, a kicker-at-the-goads, before I even knew what it was.  I read it this morning, and I thought, "Yep God.  That's me.  Your classic kicker-at-the-goads.  Wait....what does that even mean anyway??"  So I did a little research and this is what I found from Chuck Swindoll:

         "Goads were typically made from slender peices of timber, blunt on one end and pointed on the other.  Farmers used the pointed end to urge a stubborn ox into motion.  Occasionally, the beast would kick at the goad.  The more the ox kicked, the more likely the goad would stab into the flesh of it's leg, causing greater pain."

Awesome, God.  Now I'm not only a kicker-at-the-goads, I am also a stubborn ox.  Thanks.  
(Cameron Bettis, this is in no way meant to be brought up while we are arguing.  For reasons of your own safety.)

But, once again, quite true.  I am much more likely to kick at the goads, bloody myself out of pure stubborness just to make a point, than to joyfully surrender to the task that I have been called.

I am TRYING to learn how to surrender.  I am trying people.  But it is hard.  Because right now things are just not what I had envisioned.  I knew that missions would be difficult, but I thought that at the very least, I would have this burning desire to fulfill this specific purpose and that when all else failed, I could fall back on that.  At the end of a hard day, I would be able to fall into bed and say, "Well at least I fulfilled my purpose today."  But God hasn't been too forthcoming with said purpose yet.  Of course, we have our over-arching, Great Commission purpose.  But our more specific purpose, the people to whom we are called, the HOW of our mission, we still are unsure of.  And it feels a LOT like being shipwrecked.  (Yes, two things in common with Paul!!!)

I was writing something along these lines in an emaill to friends to the other day, and my friend Laura responded with somethings that she had learned at HFBC's women's retreat from last weekend.  She told me how the speaker taught on Paul's shipwreck in Malta, and how it all happened even when he was being obedient.  And once again, I began to feel alot like Paul.  

"God, WHAT am I doing here?? I am TRYING to be obedient to you, and I am SHIPWRECKED in COLIMA, MEXICO!!!  And YOU won't even tell me what the heck I am supposed to be DOING!!!"  

Kick kick kick.  Kickin' at those goads.  I hate those things.

So, Paul ended up staying in Malta for three months (wait a sec, I've been here longer than three months, Lord, am I done yet??? No?)  when he was on his way to Rome.  (Read about Paul being shipwrecked in Acts 27)  He ministered to hundreds of people on the island, performed tons of miracles in the name of Jesus, and touched the lives of the islanders, fellow prisoners, soldiers and sailors.  He probably had no idea why this was God's plan, but as Laura relayed to me from the retreat:  It's not what you know, but what you obey.  He obeyed God while he was shipwrecked, and Jesus was glorified.

See, my problem is that I want to KNOW everything before I decide to obey or not.  I want God to reveal his plan first, and I want to know WHY I am here and WHAT my purpose is, and once I have weighed all options, then I will make an informed decision on whether or not to obey. <--sounds reasonable, right?? Apparently not to God.

But this is where that pesky surrender comes in.   Day in and day out, I don't surrender.  I kick.  I bloody myself against God's gracious prodding.  "Surrender, Amy.  Obey. Obey whole-heartedly, joyfully, 100% all-in, no dirt underneath the fingernails."  And just this morning, it occurs to me:  I am not teaching God a lesson by kicking at the goads.  He is not impressed, though he is VERY patient.  All I am doing is hurting myself.  Today's surrender is tomorrow's freedom.   

I could be free.  But I chose not to be.  I could surrender, but I choose to fight.  I could obey, but in an act of unbelievable petulance, I demand for God to give me one good reason.  Or twelve. (I'm probably lucky he hasn't already smited me.  Or smote me. Whatever.)  

So, I want to be free.  And, consequently, I also want to be as un-oxlike as possible.  I am going to give this whole surrender and obey thing a whirl.  (And y'all thought we were kidding when we called ouselves c-minus missionaries. heh heh)  And my hunch is, that if I can surrender and obey long enough, God is going to show me that purpose.  And that I am going to enjoy freedom very much, and I am going to wonder why in the world I didn't do it earlier.  

'It is for freedom that Christ has set us free...."


*lyric from the band All Sons and Daughters