I have not yet arrived...

Throwing down the grace gauntlet

You know how preachers always say they are tested on the thing that they are preaching on?  Well, I think I made a mistake, a big mistake.  Did I title this blog about grace, Lord?  I meant shoes.  And puppies.  Shoes and puppies and doughnuts.  Definitely not grace, Lord, so feel free to refrain from testing me on it.  Because guess what?  I am not good at doling out grace. 

Case in point:  I get home from HEB today and the first thing out of my mouth to Cam is

"You know who it's hard to give grace to?  Dumb people.  They make it really hard to give them grace."

I tried to return something I bought from HEB that broke within a couple of weeks of purchase.  I take it to the customer service.  I put in on the desk.  I say:

"I bought this several weeks ago. I don't have the box or receipt. It broke within the first couple of times I used it."

The girl behind the desk is so dead-behind-the-eyes that I wonder if her eyes are glass prosthetics.  I want to sway ever-so-subtly back and forth just to see if she can track with me her eyes.  She says:

"Do you have the box?"

Grit teeth.

 "I bought this several weeks ago. I don't have the box or receipt. It broke within the first couple of times I used it."

Blank stare from glass eye girl.

"Do you have the receipt?"

Lord, have mercy on me for the reaction my brain just had to this chick.

"I bought this several weeks ago (long pause, searching for eye contact) I don't have the box or receipt (longer pause, small hand motions) It broke within the first couple of times I used it." 

Guess what?  The stupid thing is still in my car.  No, I was not able to return it ;) 
In case you were wondering, I have not arrived.  I do not know how to live with grace.  And I think God may be getting a kick out of torturing me with this fact?  Throwing down the grace gauntlet, saying, "Here you go Amy!! You wanted to figure out how to live with grace, let me just help ya along here!!"

So, I have been pondering these last few days where my lack of grace comes from.  Why is it so hard to give grace? Why am I so hard on others, and why am I so hard on myself?  I think it comes from my propensity to judge everyone.  I judge everyone, including myself, and find them lacking.  Unworthy of grace.  I am the exact antithesis of what Christ calls me to be.

Okay, so why do I judge everyone?  Why do I feel the need to make myself like God and put everyone below me and judge them?  Well, that's easy.  It's because I'm insecure.  

Have you ever realized that we project the things we don't like in ourselves on to others?  If you take a good, hard look at some of the things that you dislike most in some of your colleagues, family, friends, etc, can you see that it's because deep down you dislike that in yourself?

Sigmund Freud first conceptualized psychological projection as a defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own negative attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world instead. 

Yup.  Bingo.

Anatomy of a Starbucks conversation

Saturday I was waiting for my iced latte in Starbucks and I noticed a lady having a very animated conversation with some other women nearby, one going on and on about "how expensive Coca-Cola is."  With her Louis Vuittons on her head, her Manolo Blahniks on her feet, and Marc Jacobs everywhere between.  I thought, "This lady wouldn't know expensive if it smacked her in the face."

It roused this sharp criticism, this quick judgement from my very core.  But later that night at home, with just me and God to hear my thoughts, I knew why I had that reaction.  Because sometimes, I want fancy sunglasses.  Every-so-often, I consider highly overpriced pretty shoes.  (I don't actually buy them because they cost more than my car ;)  And now and then, I find myself drifting to the designer section with lust and envy in my heart.  

I hate it in her because I hate it in me.

Reverse racism

My husband and I suffer from something I call "reverse racism."  It isn't actually racism, so don't call the NAACP. What it is, is that we have an infinitely easier time loving and extending grace to people who don't look like us.  It's the privileged, American, moneyed people who deserve no grace in our eyes.  I mean, why should they? They've been given every thing else already, why do they deserve more?  Selfish.  Self-involved.  Unlike Jesus.

We hate it in them because we hate it in us.

I have been blessed in the past few years to minister with a prison ministry called Christ's Reconciliation And Rehabilitation Ministry, (CHARM for short.)  Although I don't have as hard of a time not judging the kind of people I found inside the prison walls, there was still a bit of what I thought was "righteous anger" at times toward those people.  For the things they did.  For the way their actions affected their children.  Putting myself up in God's place again, judging away.

It took just one day with them, with their stories to beg God for forgiveness.  Molested and sexually abused since their first memory.  Out on the streets by 9 years old.  Prostituted by 11 years old.  Emotionally and physically abused.  Treated like trash.  Forced to get abortions. Raped.  Their children, dead in their arms.  Newborns killed in drive-by shootings.  Lord, forgive me.  But, for the grace of God, there go I.

I think the only prescription for me is a good dose of humility, mixed with a shot of gratitude.  Stop 'making myself like the most high,' and feeling the need to judge others just to soothe my insecure soul.  Offering gratitude that God knows my thoughts and STILL loves me.  Gratitude that God knows my thoughts and STILL allows me to minister to others.  Humility to remember who I am, and gratitude that God is who he is.  And when true judgement comes, Jesus will grab my hand before the Father and say, "She's mine."  And that is the real root of grace.

And you know what? I hope with his other hand he grabs ol' Starbucks lady and glass-eyed-chick too.