And For When the Answer Is No

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. 

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; 

may the name of the LORD be praised."

Job 1:21

Sometimes, in this life, the answer is 'No.'

In the same way that I struggle to teach this to my 2- and 4-year-olds, I believe that God struggles to teach this to us.

I read an amazing book, one of my all-time favorites, last year called 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  It was an incredible, life changing book.  The biggest challenge of this book is to look for the goodness of God's hand in all circumstances.  Every single one.  And not in some each-cloud-has-a-silver-lining kind of way.  Not in a trite, generic "Well, at least we aren't as bad off as those people," kind of way.  In a genuine, real, "Wow I can see God's beautiful hand in this and he is wise and he is love," kind of way.

Like seeing the redemption of her own family's story when she was 4 years old and watched her baby sister die.  Like seeing the redemption when her own little boy's hand was mangled in a farming accident.  Seeing the love of God even in situations like this.

I begged God for faith to see things like her.  I wanted to have that gut-level conviction that no matter what may come in this life my love for God and trust in Him would not waver.  And He is granting that request.  Because, that's His will for me.  And that's His will for you.

He is teaching me this in lots of ways, but most recently it was in the loss of a baby.  We prayed and believed and trusted and waited.  He held us in His hand the whole time.  He chose to keep that baby in heaven with Him.  I will bless the name of the Lord.

I will not look for silver linings.  I will look for God.  I will look for the love of Christ holding all things together.  I will receive His answer to our prayers, and trust His plan.  That doesn't mean it's without pain or grief or longing, and it doesn't mean that there haven't been tears shed.  But it does mean there is not despair--there is hope.  There is not only mourning, but there is comfort.  And most of all, there is Him.

Here is  a quote from a funeral I attended a while back when my friend lost her full-term baby:

"The amount of time on earth matters very little: a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him or accomplish His Plan. A stillborn baby on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of a life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God" 

                                                                                     --author unknown

Even though our baby was not full-term or stillborn, I am asking God to let our little one have that same kind of impact.  Let others who are mourning know where to find comfort through our story. Let those who are doubting see in our story that God's love pursues, no matter where we are, no matter what we are going through, and no matter how angry we are at Him...

Lord, that our loss would point others to You.  That our suffering would make us more like You.  And that we would see the redemption of this story in this life and the next.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.