Alright, So Maybe I Have Anger Issues

Sons, daughters, children of God. We are called children of God.  We are the one thing in the world that can cause God the most joy, the most pain, the most anger.  Because that’s what children do, that what’s our children are capable of doing to us.  And not just them, but how other people treat them.  I know with every ounce of my being that I have never been as angry in my life as I have been when someone was ugly to my children or mistreated them.  In fact, I pretty much lose my mind and any court of law would grant me temporary insanity, because I swear to you, my brain shuts down and some kind of crazy primal impulses take over when someone hurts my child.  The funny thing is, that usually my kid is over the issue in 30 seconds (if they even notice it at all) whereas it takes me DAYS, WEEKS, or MONTHS to get over the mistreatment of my child.

Case in point:  many months ago in the Victoria mall (otherwise known as a sad place where people go to look at sad people and be sad about their sad lives….) Hudson and Graham were playing in the (sad) play area for (sad) children.  (Ok I’ll stop now.)  They were just being themselves and running around having a good time when Hudson stepped backward and accidentally knocked over an, oh, I don’t know, maybe like 11-month-old that was toddling around.  The baby’s mom swooped in from where she was sitting on the side of the play area and SCREAMED in Hudson’s face.  SCREAMED.  At this little 5-year-old boy whom she did not know, whom accidentally knocked over her baby (who was FINE by the way) in a play area full of KIDS.  Y’all, she was like inches from his face.  

This unholy rage just started violently rising up inside of me.  First of all, I have NEVER screamed in my child’s face.  Ever.  HOW DARE someone else come scream in my poor, little, baby-child’s face for an accident???  (I just think back to little Huddy’s face with tears streaming down and I just have the urge to hire someone from the mafia  to hunt this miscreant down.)

I really don’t even know what happened next because I kind of blacked out from the rage, but I know I told that woman to never speak to my child again, but what I wanted to do was fight her like one of those horrid videos that people upload to YouTube where some chick is beating down some other chick?  Well I hate those videos and they make me sick to my stomach, but OH. MAN.  I feel like if anyone in the world ever deserved it, it was this lady.  And perhaps Hitler.  But whatev.

I am not kidding you when I say that this was probably six months ago, and I am still not over it.  (As you can tell because I am still considering having the mafia find her.)  Just the fact that I care for my children so much, I try to protect them and do the best for them, and then some random person in a mall could come up and cause them pain--it makes me crazy.  Maybe because I feel so helpless.  Maybe because the fact becomes clear that no matter how much I try to do right for them, the world is still going to wound their little hearts and it causes me despair to realize this.

Or, maybe because I am emotionally unhinged and chemically unbalanced. ( ← true story)

I was reading C.S. Lewis this morning, a passage where he was talking about the Lord’s Prayer.  He was talking about how the Lord’s Prayer shows our relationship to God, and that he has made us his children, even though we are SO unworthy to be called this.  (He calls it “an outrageous piece of cheek” which I love.)  ( I think I am going to start calling people that.)  But anyway, he says that God has ordered us to do this.  He has ordered us in the Lord’s prayer to call him Father.  Because we have put on the righteousness of Christ, and we get to be his kids now.  

And this just makes me think...what does he feel like when he sees people wound us?  We know that he is jealous for us.  I wonder if it is at all like the way I felt when that woman screamed at Hudson?  (Minus all the sinful impulses and injurious thoughts.)  

I betcha it is.  I betcha it is a feeling that I don’t even know anything about.  Because, this is where God and I part ways in our feelings toward our kids:  He sent his SON to die for us.  I would do anything in this world to protect my sons from dying.  I think all the time how God the Father had it worse than Jesus during the crucifixion. Jesus endured the agony in his body, but can you imagine the way God felt it, knowing what he had asked his son to do? What he was refusing to rescue his son from?

So if God loves me that much--so much that he would ask his perfect son to die for me--I’m guessing he gets pretty upset when someone mistreats me.  I’m guessing he gets pretty upset when I mistreat someone else.  (I’m guessing he has a special punishment reserved for the lady that screamed at Hudson.)  

We get to be children of God, that he loves more than we understand, that is he jealous for, that he longs for us to realize the depth of his love for us.  My prayer for myself and my boys is that we will remember that and live like that.  Live like children of God, but also remember that others are children of God that he loves just as much as us.  Maybe some that we think are unlovely.  Maybe some that are really hard for us to love.  Children of God whom he loves fiercely.  Even more fiercely than a hormonal, unbalanced mama protecting her babes in a mall play area.

That’s love, my friends.

P.S.  I realize that my last few posts might be leading you to believe that I have some anger issues.  Talking to Cameron might also lead you to believe this.  I really don’t have any rebuttal for this, I am just acknowledging this so that you know that I know that you know, okay?  It’s my burden to bear.  Well, and Cam’s.  Hehe.  

Volcanic Adventures and People That Make Me Angry

We have been living in Mexico for 7 1/2 weeks.  We have been gone from our life in Katy for about 10 weeks.  Oh, how I miss it sometimes.  Sometimes I dream about our house in Katy, and remember the different things the boys learned to do there.  I think about how awesome it was to be able to annoy Deb Turner or Kristen Bradford at a moment's notice (I am a fan of popping in.)  Oh, I just pretend I am back at Houston's First Baptist sometimes, singing at the top of my lungs and seeing so many people in the world that I love. Getting to watch all the babies that I taught in Sunday school, all the babies that came through the MDO program while I directed, grow up. (I hate missing watching my friends' babies grow up!!!)

But then sometimes, I look around Mexico and I think, "I'm good. This is amazing.  Look at this world that God made that I am getting to experience right now, that the boys are getting to experience right now.  Look at all the need here, the people that have no idea that a mega-church in Houston that has thousands of members could even exist."

So far it has been difficult, but it has been good.  One thing that surprises me so far is that loving the PLACE has come so much easier than loving the people so far.  (Stay with me lest you think I just committed an irreversable error of missionary code.)  (Which I probably did, but whatevs.)

For example, the beauty of this part of Mexico is incredible.  We are in the middle of the most beautiful green mountains you have ever seen, we are in volcanic forests, tropical jungles, we are 40 minutes away from the most amazing beaches.  Seeing God revealed through this nature that we have never gotten to experience before has been amazing.  In fact, sometimes we just are completely irresponsible and decide to take time-paid-for-to-baby-sitter and instead of be productive with it, we decide to go do things like, oh, I don't know, find the top of the volcano.

(I feel like maybe our support is going drop steeply after hearing these truths)

Yes, the other day Cam and I decided like it would be a great idea to find the top of the volcano.  So off we went driving up roads in the general direction of the volcano that quickly declined to less and less functionality, just soaking in the creation around us and feeling free for the moment.  On our way up, we found an amazing lake that was all but deserted except for a few guys, who I could only surmise were some sort of grounds-keepers for the nonexistent campers.

These guys were hilarious.  Cam was asking them about what kind of animals lived around there as we were thinking of bringing the boys up to fish or camp, and this (except in Spanish) was one guy's answer:  "Oh, all kind of animals.  Mountain lions, pumas, black and white cat-dogs with weird hook-shaped noses.  Nothing harmful."  In my head I'm thinking, "Black and white cat-dog??? What the crap?  Oh, awesome, only animals that could be featured on Discovery Channel's Monster Quest show.  Oh, oh, and yes mountain lions and pumas are known for just wanting to cuddle all day...."  And then the guy goes, "Oh yeah, and then the six-foot rattle snake that I found yesterday."

Maybe we won't go camping there.

(We later figured out that the black and white cat-dog with the weird nose was an ant-eater.)

So we said goodbye to the lake's official Tourism Officer and continued heading up the road towards the top of the volcano.  The road got less and road-like and the little local indigenous looking people (whom I wanted to all smooch) got fewer and further between.  

 The tall pointy things are rock outcroppings

We passed incredible outcropping of volcanic rock and signs that said "Please take care of the pumas."  I am not freaking kidding you.  So at this point, this was my train of thought:

"Man, I hope a puma doesn't eat my face off."

"Man, I hope our car doesn't break down out here, without cell service nor a tow truck within 546 miles."

"Man, I hope we aren't accidentally wandering onto some narcos' land, never to be heard from again."

"Man, I hope the volcano doesn't erupt right now."

All good fun.  Eventually it became time to turn around because the babysitter would need to leave (or more likely we needed to quit paying a babysitter while we were off just doing shenanigans.)  So this time we didn't make it to the top of volcano, but I feel certain that a time will come when we feel the need to try again.  

A few more pics from the drive home

So, back to what I was saying about it being easier to love the place more than the people at the moment.  Like, I remember when we would go to Cuatro Cienegas with FBC Edna, I would think that I would rather have a non-anesthetized medical procedure than live there, but I LOVED the little people from the church.  They were the sweetest people, and they were so excited to have us there.  (And I was only there for like five days at a time.)  And here, that is definitely the same, I LOVE the people in the church that we are here to help, Pan de Vida.  The problem moreso lies with the clowns outside of the church (I say that in the nicest way possible.)

For instance, one day we were at Home Depot buying a few things and one of the items Cam wanted to buy was out of stock but he had the option to buy the display.  So halfway through the girl ringing him up he said, "Let me just run and make sure the display doesn't have any problems, I'll be right back."  So 45 seconds later Cameron returned to his line and the checkout girl was no where to be seen.  He looked around.  He waited.  He was confused. So he asked someone, "Do you know what happened to the girl who was checking me out?"  And the other employee said, "Yeah, she went to to go eat."  And Cameron said, "No, she was right in the middle of checking me out."  And the employee said, "Yeah, but she left to go eat."  Cameron got in the car like, "Who just LEAVES when I walk away for 45 seconds, and I say that I'll be right back, and in the middle of checkout she just DISAPPEARS???"  Well, apparently that girl.

And then yesterday, I was trying to park my whale of a vehicle in a little parking lot made for smart cars apparently and the parking lot attendant made me re-park FIVE TIMES.  FIVE TIMES.  While Graham was throwing a fit and Hudson was playing in traffic.  I was like, "Ma'am, no matter how many times you make me re-park my car, it will still be approximately 18,000 times bigger than the rest of these cars."  Finally, as she was telling me to move it again I said, "No.  Sorry.  We will be gone for 3 minutes, we are walking to that bakery, and will be right back, and then we will leave never to return."  I wanted to smack her. You know, with the love of Jesus and whatnot.  But I didn't, because I am a missionary you know.

There was also the taxi driver who parked his taxi, like, UP UNDER my monstrosity of a car and then yelled at me for not seeing it after I hit it.  (PS he was blind in one eye so....yeah....it wasn't my fault.)

So apparently lost people need Jesus or something.  I mean...I'm kinda shocked.  Not really, but kinda. So your mission, my sweet 12 friends that are reading this, is to pray for me to love people.  Because it's hard.  People got problems and sometimes I don't want to deal with them but I'm a missionary so apparently that's part of my job.  

Who knew?

Love and miss y'all and I will be back in Texas in like THREE WEEKS what what!!!!

                                                                                                        Sincerely,

                                                                                                   One-half of the c-minus missionary team

P.S. Please don't read this and decide that it's time to withdraw your support from us.  If anything, decide to support us more as we are spending lots of money paying people for hitting their cars/stuff/persons.  Cam is up to four collisions, people.